Great Indian Head nod... Do we wobble our heads???

We have planned a road trip and will soon be out on vacation. Yesterday, went to the rental agency to pick up the car we had booked. Enroute, the car company's shuttle service picked us up to take us to their office. Shuttle service was also picking up other passengers going to the same destination. Couple of ladies got into the van after us and they had a dog. The leash was so long that the dog came towards me to sniff... As it is, I am super scared of dogs (yeah yeah... I know, I am big, Dog is small and I have nothing to be scared... tell that to the small girl in me who was bitten by a puppy and had to take injections on the tummy, bleeding profusely for the last 2 injections...!!!).

To come back to the story... I moved to the front of the van and told the ladies I was scared of the dog so was moving away... usually foreigners are very understanding people and I believed they understood my need to move away from the dog...

shortly another family got in and the van started towards the rental car office, which was approximately 2 kms away. I heard a comment being made, "I work in IT and all workers are Indians. I am learning Hindi... oh..how Indians wobble their head...its so funny".

Now, being in IT, this is a comment I have heard way tooooo many times to my liking... the westerners (i am using this word to identify all white people) call it "the great indian head nod". And most of the time, I have heard, smiled and walked away...

However, yesterday, it got me thinking. There is truth in it that we Indians nod our head one too many times... and as I mulled over it, I realized few things:
1. Since childhood, Indian elders always ask us to "nod our head" to indicate we have understood whatever they are telling us --- I guess this becomes a habit
2. "head nod" merely indicates we Indians are listening and following what is being said. Period.

The Indian head nod was never an indication of yes or no, of understanding or not understanding... We are shy people, we are taught to respect elders and to not question them, to do what we are asked to do by them... In India, if you say "you don't know or you have not understood" you are often labelled a dud... ...so, you can see why this upbringing often puts us in a quandary when we work with westerners..call it cultural interpretations, for lack of better words...

When our bosses talk to us, we are so overwhelmed that we hesitate to open our mouths... when our western colleagues talk to us, we go through the same emotion... we don't want to be labelled duds are work... so what do we do? We keep quite... we want to take the time to process what we have heard and then come back with questions... Times are changing though...with increased awareness, I have seen many Indian colleagues not shy away from asking questions or saying No or openly admitting they haven't understood...

A trainer, I once met, offers Global Culture training and specializes in India and Indian culture training. I was reminded of her yesterday and again wondered how different people's interpretations would be if they took the time to understand why/how people behave and what it indicates...

We often jump to conclusions and don't stop to think if your words are hurting someone or perhaps people do it deliberately because they know when we are in their country, we are too scared to confront them...perhaps this is a reflection of their upbringing and not something WE need to fidget about...

How did this story end yesterday? Well, the 2 ladies and their dog came to the car rental office. As we were signing our rental papers, we heard the staff asking the ladies to leave and the manager in charge clearly directed his staff not to drop these ladies back to the drop location in their shuttle because they were offensive... 

Aditiism

Friday last, my son was unwell with severe nausea, stomach cramps, vomiting and diarrhea. Sensing that her brother is about to get leave from school, my daughter came down with complaints of feeling unwell. I told her, whatever may be the case she was going to school. This is what happened next:

Aditi: Amma, i am telling you i am not feeling well. you are not listening. Wait, i will check my temperature using thermometer
Amma: Addu, you dont have fever. you will be going to school. you only have cold, you dont need a thermometer
Aditi: Let me at least check how much cold i have in the thermometer
:)

Jeene ke liye

Read this quote on Facebook, ironically posted by my one and only - “Your soul mate makes you feel entirely intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.” ~ Dr. Carmen Harra

I suppose that is what I have been trying to digest - that I am his life partner but not his soul mate. we have good relationship, we laugh at times, share stuff, talk sometimes, discuss sometimes, somethings...but we are like 2 parallel lines that never meet. Our lives never intersect except for the common interest of our kids.

Perhaps I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to marry him? They why did it hurt that he loved someone else, what did it hurt that the intensity of his feelings were for someone else?

This song from Masoom says it all -

Jeene ke liye Socha hi nahin
dard sambhalane honge

Muskuraye to, Muskurane ki
Karz utarane honge

Muskuraoon to yun lagtha hai
jaise honto pe karz rakha hai...

But then, I know too well, life will never allow me to retrace my paths and take the road I had kept for another day!!!

Mirage

Has it ever happened to you that you desperately wished something turn out not to be like you are thinking?

For years, I feel I lived in a mirage. I lived in denial that it was not my fault and I was not responsible. But today, when I uncovered that it was me all the while - the truth hurt... like mad.

14 years, when I blame someone of wrecking their life only to realize it was me all the time - it is not supposed to make me feel good, is it? It appears that I did not even have to wait until next life to see this happen.

What did I achieve? I know it is not giving me any satisfaction knowing I screwed up someone's life, I stopped them from living the life they wanted and they could have.. if only I had not stopped them.

I was absolutely selfish, I now realize...it could not have gotten worse. And hell, there is no way I can turn back the clock now. where is this going?

I now realize that even desires can become curses when they are fulfilled at a wrong time. Can you ever forgive me? know that I am going to spend rest of my life with this guilt...and that is not going to be enough to cleanse my soul...what have I done?

Umbilical Relationships

Since my childhood, I have been afraid of my father. I don't know what caused this fear to be so deep rooted in me and yet it has always been there. I remember each time he visited Teerthally, I used to hide behind my grandma.

The fear only exponentially grew as I grew up. Somehow I sensed that he did not "trust" me. Shocking, I know - but it was as if he expected me to do something devastatingly wrong. I never understood this emotion.

In 7th grade, when I accidentally hurt my brother, I remember my mom yelling, "why don't you kill him once for all?". I had only meant to get back the pencil sharpening blade from his hands. I did not intend to hurt him in the process. That was the day I blocked him out of my life and have absolutely no memory of how he grew up, what he did, how he looked, all the way through almost the day he started doing his C.A perhaps. Never talked to him, stayed away from home, did not want to build that relationship with him.

8th grade, my parents sent me away to stay in my grandparents house. I went to yet another all-girls school and was not even allowed to go on 1-day school trips. I remember the sadness and anguish with which I had to "beg" them to send me and how elated I was when they agreed to send me on that 1 trip to chitradurga!!!

Every Saturday, when I returned from my school, my grandfather would take me to my parents house. We used to take a bus from their place to my parents place, stay 2 nights and start back on Monday morning. It was the same routine for 2 years. I felt like I was visiting strangers and hated going there.

By the time I came back to live with them, I was literally a stranger. Although I did well in 10th, I did not get a seat at a college where I wanted to study because they wanted Rs. 5000 donation. my father did not have that much money those days. He insisted that I had to study in another college, which was closer by his restaurant. If he had talked to me about lack of funds, I would have understood and even forgiven him. But he said, "I want you to go to this college so I can keep an eye on you".

I was an innocent and even then I was very angry when he made this statement. it reminded me of that childhood memory again - he was waiting for me to take 1 wrong step - just to prove me unworthy.

SJRC gave him many such opportunities, which I guess he used ruthlessly. I remember the day in 1st year PUC, when a boy had written a nude girl's picture in the classroom lecturn and had labeled it as "Vidya". The entire class was snickering and I could not lift my head and sit in that class. During lunch hour, I went to the hotel and explained the situation to him and requested him to come and speak with the principal. His response was, "is this the time for you to come and talk to me? cant you see this is the busy hour at the hotel? how I can leave this and come to your college?". I remember running out crying. I remember the manager of the hotel asking me what was wrong and upon hearing my story, he took it upon himself to come and speak to my college principal to have the culprit suspended from the college. My father never came.

I remember the day he had shouted at me because few of his hotel staff had seen me going somewhere with a group of boys. he said I was ruining his name and the name of our family. I did not know it was even a mistake to talk to boys. I was not doing anything but talk to them...

I remember asking him for permission to attend a classmate's sister's wedding reception being held in a big hotel on M.G.Road. He had hurled at me in anger, "I know what you are going to do. In the pretext of attending this, you will go to cubbon park with all the boys". my cheeks grow red even today when I think about this and eyes grow moist. What father will say these words to his daughter? what father will suspect his daughter of such nefariousness only because she was spotted talking with boys (and BTW, my group of friends consisted equally of boys and girls, and I mostly never went anywhere with  just 1 of them...).

Even as a child, my father never bought me a bicycle. there were times when he would give us 10 paise to borrow a bicycle for 1 hour. but then I never learnt the art of balancing. So, for once, I made this big tantrum and got him to buy me a hero puch. I guess I should have bought a gear-less vehicle - but I was adamant on buying this one. My father was never the one to take any responsibilities towards bringing up his girls. He had one of his colleagues to help me learn to ride this bike. This colleague was notorious and when he sat behind me, his arms started groping my bosom. I was so shocked, I lost my balance and crashed the bike causing both of us to fall. He did not apologize for his behavior and I could not muster courage to slap him. When I told my father what had transpired he said his colleague was a honorable man and would never stoop to do such things and perhaps I was reading too much into it. For the love of God, you all ladies out there, please tell me - how can one "make such things up"? And I was just 18 years old.

Yet, I remember, he always was the first one I called each time I got my college results.

When I got him and mom here to the US, because it was their once in lifetime opportunity, at one point, he said, "who asked you to get us here? we never asked you. It was you who wanted us to come here." Yet, he never would admit that he always felt left behind because his most of his siblings had visited US and he was the only one that hadn't traveled outside India. My mom will never admit that seeing Niagara Falls was a single dream she had harbored for 30 years, which incidentally one of the places we visited.

I have been trying to purge my heart of these sad memories.. I am unable to do so. I am required to respect, love and forgive my father... I am unable to do so. I don't feel any emotion, except sadness for him.

Not even my best of friends know how scared I was to ask my dad's permission to attend Elza's wedding. The wedding was in the evening and I was not at all sure my dad would permit me to attend without hurling another abuse. So, guess what? I never asked him. I just told him I was attending this wedding and never gave him a chance to offer his opinion!!!

My best friends today, don't know that he never wanted me to do my post graduation.  I wanted to do it so I took a bank loan to study. he gave me a loan of Rs. 70,000 as the seed money before the bank loan was approved for the rest of masters fees. I had started paying for my study loan immediately after I got my first job. But I still owed my dad his Rs. 70,000. When I was in Australia, I was in between jobs and it had just been 3-4 months since I had gone there - did not have a lot of money on me and needed my savings to sustain until I got another job. And it was at this time, my dad asked me to return the Rs. 70,000 I owed him. I remember when I transferred all my savings to him, I had tears in my eyes and my room mate was consoling me that she would support me until I found my next job - for just this, I am indebted to her.

What relationship do I have with my parents? why are they my parents? and what lesson am I to learn in this life being related to them? I have no answers...
 

Whirrings of my soul

The feeling of helplessness, loneliness, restlessness refuses to leave me. It is as if I should not be here doing what I am doing. Is this depression? Am I depressed? I don't know.

All I know and want to do is escape. But where? Good question. I don't know. Or perhaps I know. I want to escape into this wide world where no relations matter, where I won't have any friends or nobody knows me. I want to escape to some place where I can start my life all over and build it back bit by bit - leaving it as "me" rather than the person who always guards every thought before expressing, who is careful and follows propriety in every sense.

I had the chance to live such a life and yet, I don't know why I did not take it. Perhaps I am regretting for the lost opportunity. My mind goes back to Robert Frost's "Road Not Taken", the poem that defines my life in every sense.

During my evening walk, my mind was taking in the fall colors and the solitude, which is what I love the most, which is what I want to find in this world. A lifetime of quite and peace, a lifetime of books and nothing else. I took in all this, embraced it with my eyes and open arms - I don't know when I will feel this moment again - when I will feel this oneness with nature again...

My husband says I am a pessimist and always have a tendency to see the negativity or sadness in the situation. Trust me, this is not by choice. I have aspired many things, I have hoped to build many things and I have even tried - only to see them crumble...now, I find no energy to re-dream, re-hope for this to happen again. In my heart, I only see sorrow and a deep loneliness - my soul craves to be alone... how can I be the beacon of happiness?

My situation is driving me mad. I do not want to come to work and do nonsensical work for the sake of earning money - things that I do not enjoy doing, where I am not challenged day in and day out. mundane routine things... but yet, I am caught up in the bindings of family...what will it be to give up everything and live life, just once, the way I want to live?

 

Aakash wrote his first "Thank you" letter

Aakash, my son, is growing up and it amazes me the level of intellect and thinking he has developed. Not just that - he is a child who demonstrates empathy and that is what I really love about him.

Today, he sent this memo that had his Thank You note to me and his dad.

I was totally touched reading this letter and thought I should upload it to my blog. I do want to share my blog with my kids when they grow up and I am sure they will be thrilled to read these little pieces I have saved here :)

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Date:                 September 8, 2014

               

To:                 My Parents

                     

From:                 Aakash

                       

Subject:          What I am thankful for

         

I know that you are very busy taking care of a lot of things daily. I would like to say thank you for doing the following things for me:  

                                                                                         

*       Cooking for me and my sister

*         Helping me with my studies

*         Praising me by congratulating me

*         Buying all sorts of stuff for me

These things make me feel like you cared for and also loved me. I will try to help around the house and everywhere else where you need help to show you that I am thankful for you.

 

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