Time Warp

For the last couple of years, I have  been constantly on the look out for peace of mind. I just wanted to get away from everyone - family, friends, foes - everyone. And to me, this international assignment came as a blessing in disguise - or so I thought.

Little did I know I would be staring at a time warp just in a year's time? Looking back the past 13 months - nothing has changed - the same problems, issues, headaches, fights, and over same topic.

However, one thing has definitely changed - i have become a little more vocal about my thoughts and opinion and to a vast degree developing a "i care the heck" attitude (May be good for me!!)

For 13 years, I have kept quite - knowing what was going around me, fully aware of consequences - both long and short. And after this long span, I decided to speak up - make my point very clear that I do not like what is going on - I feel cheated and had for. I don't know if speaking up was the right thing - nor do I know if this was the wrong thing. It is more like the christian wedding vow "If anyone has an objection to this marriage, you may speak up now or for ever hold up your peace".

Speaking did not bring me any solace either - but it did make one thing clear that I am not understood - perhaps never going to be too. Only thing I heard was "you are misunderstanding the issue; you are taking decisions based on your insecurities and I cannot tolerate your insecurities and your behavior"

My response was "My insecurities and behaviors are mine. If you cannot tolerate it - learn to live with it. After 13 long years, I have found my voice and I am not going to keep quite. Every married woman has insecurities and it is her absolute right to have those"

The only response I got for this was complete silence - this time, it feels like this silence is permanent. There is no break through I am seeing or should I even see?

Minneapolis Diary

Its been 3 months since I moved to Minneapolis on a 2 years assignment. If I close my eyes, I can still recollect my dreams, thoughts that I had built as I had accepted this assignment.

Yes, Srikanth and I had to make lot of sacrifices to make this happen - to me - moving away from my parents, sister, brother and my extended family, To srikanth - sacrificing his job to enable this move - were the hardest of the decisions we took.

I so very much wanted to have time on my hand so I could spend it with my kids. The last year had been terrible from a work-life balance perspective. I was working late every day and that made it such a challenge for me to spend time with my kids - even to help them with their school work. Though I would come home around 4.30 ish, I had to get into calls and would stay put with my cell phone until 9-9.30. Earlier, my kids and I used to have dinner together. We would watch the same episode of Chota Bheem or Tom and Jerry and laugh over it - They just loved this time I spent with them doing the same thing they loved to do. I would pamper them and also make them laugh.

But moving into a new group changed it all. I was no longer at their dinner table :( They did not like it. After 1 year working in this manner, I decided enough was enough. I had to change something to ensure my avaialbility and time to my kids.

Moving to MPLS was a great option. It provided an opportunity for me to continue work while providing ample time in the evening to bond with my kids. To this tune, it has come true. My kids have been exposed to a new continent, new culture, food, people - it has helped them grow. They just love it here and want to stay here for ever and ever :) (wait until my office folks hear about this!!!)

Personally, it has never been better - I have time to go for walks, to take my kids to the play ground, to watch movies with them, to see them swim - what can be more fun than this?

Aathma Avalokana

Last several weeks has seen me dig deeper into myself to understand and introspect. Who I am and why I am like this - I know not. Am I that small girl whose father chose to keep her at an arm's length? Am I that teen aged girl whose father doubted her for no reasons and without any background or history? Am I that wife whose husband chose someone over his wife?

I am going to a shrink to help me uncover the answer. Its interesting that though I have read several self-help books - Louise Hay and Brian Weiss - peace and trust is not coming easily to me. I am saddened where I have reached today. I wish I had reacted differently to my situations, I wish I had voiced to my father how lonely or isolated I felt, voiced to my siblings that I was among them when they chose not to "see" me, voiced my feelings to my husband on what i was going through or simply walked out.

Is it my karma that makes me keep quite and go through all this? What is the lesson I need to learn by going through these lessons? When will it be revealed to me? I know not. My only hope is to heal. When will the healing come - I have no clue...

Life comes a full circle

What goes out always comes back - I guess we have heard this umpteen times. I have had at least 3 examples that this actually happens:

1. A close friend of mine had fought with me because I had decided to marry my husband. He was not willing to accept that I should be marrying this person and we had had a bitter fight. With that he stopped talking to me completely. I accepted it and let him be. Though I had personally gone to his house to invite him for my wedding, though he was there in the house when I went, he chose not to talk to me. All the while, I did not understand that he was not talking to me because other common friends had dropped in at the same time. It took me several minutes to see that he was not talking to me, not even acknowledging my presence. Anyways, I gave him my wedding card and left - obviously, he chose not to attend. This happened in 2001

2. Way back in 1997, I had a very close friend during my masters days. And she had heard from someone that I was spreading wrong rumors that she was in relationship with another classmate of ours. This actually made her angry and not want to talk to me.  I explained to her that it was not I that was spreading the rumors but she chose not to listen to me

Fast Forward to 2 years ago

1) I receive a call from this person that I dont recognize. This person asks, "Vidya, will you be at home this saturday? I want to come over and give you my wedding invitation". I am like, "who is this?" And this person says, "someone you know, but I dont want to reveal now".

Eventually I found out that this person was that close friend who had fought with me over my decision to marry my husband. Immediately I called him and asked him not to come to my house and meet me. I told him very clearly that friends should accept you who you are and be there through thick and thin. He had chosen to desert me when I needed him and now, I had moved on. I did not want him in my life any more. So, this time, I chose to keep him away from my life for ever.

2) A year from that incident, this friend during my masters days came back and apologised to me. She said she had realized that it was not me who had spread those rumors. Though I was glad she uncovered the truth sadly, I had moved on. I had closed her out as she had no trust on her friend. She had chosen to trust someone else over her friend.

The third instance is more of self-guilt situation I guess. I had taken my son to the park. And habitually I had carried his water bottle with me. An old lady approached me and said that her grand daughter was very thirsty and asked if I could share some water with her. I said it was not possible and that my son had drunk from it and he was not well. I fumed as to why people never came prepared when they brought kids to parks. - Now, I wait for the day, when this will come back to me in some form :(

With these three incidents and many more - I am now a firm believer of this adage - what goes out always comes around !!!

Meaning of "Annu"

In Konkani or Amchigele, we call our father, "Anna or Annu". Today, as the priest was performing the 12th day ritual at my uncle's house, he explained how the word "Anna or Annu" was derived. Apparently, the word was derived from "Anna" or Rice meaning food earner or Anna (Rice) earner of the family.

As usual, we use or follow so many of rituals blindly and wont even know the meaning behind each of them... Glad I found out this one :)

Kids !!!

My father and his brothers and the extended family had gathered at my uncle's place to pray for my uncle's soul to rest in peace.

While the priests were performing the rituals and chanting the mantras, we all cousins used it as an opportunity to sit in the adjoining room to catch up.

We started talking about our kids and how it is impacting us and difference between how we were and how they are...

My sister complained that my niece seldom writes down the homework, even if she has noted the homework to-do, she leaves behind the respective book back in school. Just does not want to own up her school work and do it herself..

Not to be left behind, my cousin's wife mentioned that her daughter had lost the diary in which she had to note down her daily homework.

And we were discussing the laughs, rants, cries of our children. My aunt came in excitedly and said... hey do you know what Manya said? (Manya, is the latest entrant into my big, fun-loving, awesome family. She is all of 2 years old). We asked enthusiastically, "What?"

Aunt apparently asked Manya, "Manya dear, what do you call your father - annu (in my mother tongue, konkani) or Daddy?".

Pat came Manya's reply, "I call him Sunder" (is her dad's name)

All of us were ROFL

Inquisitiveness?

I dont know if I should say people are inquisitive about your life or are they just looking for "something like me or my life in yours" kind of an experience.

I know this girl who wanted to get married very badly. And she did. The last I heard was that she was having MIL issues and is now contemplating moving into a separate house with her spouse. People have so many advises to her - what cannot you adjust with your MIL? Why are you breaking a family? etc. Do we ever stop to think what this girl may be going through? Are we not concluding on a 1-sided story?

There is yet another one that eks out a living working at a Bank's BPO. She took her father's place once he died and has been supporting her family. She has decided to sacrifice her life to support her aged, ailing mother and un-married, studying brother and never get married. She is financially backward, no-doubt. But why do people think she does not have self-respect? They do not invite her for ceremonies within the family circle and other people who dont know about this expect her to attend these ceremonies. When she shares the cause with them, they just raise their hands and walk away...  Why even trigger such conversation in the first place and hurt her sentiments and then raise your hand and go away?

In any family, there are fights. And I have had and continue to have my share of them - with myself, spouse, kids, what not. There are times when I really get frustrated and recently posted couple of outbursts on a  much more public site - Facebook. Immediately, someone from my family read it and called someone else wanting to know if all was well between me and my husband... and i was like, "What the hell"... You may not post it on FB like I did...but does not mean you do not have your fairshare of such fights/arguments with whosoever in your life. Does this mean you have the right to conclude on someone else' life without talking/verifying with them? Why dont you just read it for what it is and move on? Like the post if you like it, leave a comment or just move on!!!