Mothers Day?

I have been feeling extremely lonely and this is not a new feeling.. it has been a persisting, nagging one since my childhood.

Why, you may ask.
What happens when parents leave their 1 year old child with the grandparents because they are having another baby? What happens when the child grows up almost not knowing her own family and feels completely alienated?

There are times I have wanted to believe the logical explanation - yes, my mom was a working woman. it was difficult for her to take care of 1 toddler and 1 new born baby while balancing her job and home. Yet, the child in me cannot forget the feeling of isolation

Why then did they have to send me to live with the grandparents again during my most critical "growing" up time? there is no logical explanation to this. But then the impact of this has been vast and deeply impacted me. I am unable to get out of this rut, however i try - and god knows, i have tried - very hard.

Remember the first time my periods came, i needed my mom, who was nowhere with me. i had severe cramps and my grandma asked me to just lie down telling me horrid stories of how local people held public ceremonies to discuss this very "private" matter. i was a child and i was scared.. needed someone to tell me this is natural - nothing to be scared off - where was she?

Remember the time i experienced the first molestation at the hands of a lecher enroute school? i was scared, did not know how to react - i just ran for my life - i never spoke of this to anyone home... wasn't sure if my grandparents would understand... possibly my granny and uncle would blame it on me... where was my mom? i needed her badly to tell me this world wasn't all bad.

These are not seemingly small issues - correct? these are big issues and little girls do need their moms to offer that comfort, those soothing words to say, " I am there and I will protect you." Or simply to say, "be strong, there will be people like that - but we will go through this together"... and yet, i had to face this alone...

Is it any wonder that i feel utterly abandoned today? that i dont feel any connection with her?

Recently when she came for a visit and stayed with me for 2 months, she experienced my silence. she cried and said i had changed and i never talked to her...

But guess what? she had not realized that I had stopped "talking" with her for a long long time... she had not observed..nor had she realized... why blame me now?

I think - what wishes should i send to my mom on mothers day? What shall i thank her for? giving birth to me - hell, i dont even want this life.

Organizational Leadership

Each time there has been a leadership change at the very top, I have always wondered what the new person would bring to the organization. How does this person arm themself with the knowledge of issues plaguging the organization? Do they just go by what the media projects?

Depending on the grade, I am sure, each employee will have his/her list of top 10 problems the leader should solve. More than often, the organization's 360 feedback mechanism is based on low value, high "marketing" questions that are bound to generate positive responses. Though free texts are provided at the end of each survey or feedback - i have no idea if anyone reads them at all...

I guess, the leader's job is cut-out for her. Sigh, wish we had better integration between top executives and grassroot level employees. Is there any such organization that works this way?

What Next?

I have been having an inner struggle - what career can i adopt as an alternate career? Then, to my shock, I realized I am a typical "Jack of all trades master of none", save IT-Project Management, that is.

I have dabbled in jewellery making, knitting, crochet, can do decent embroidery. I have also learnt to do stained glass. I love reading and currently pursuing my Advanced Communicator series with Toastmasters. I have completed my basic certification as a hypnotherapist. And I believe, I can do a decent job as a counsellor or family therapist because I am empathetic and my active listening skills are good.

Listing my "trades" do not necessarily solve my problem. I know I am tired of IT and am looking for an opportunity to get out. But I know for sure, I need something to keep me busy at least from 10-3 on any given day. I am willing to compromise a little bit on my pay (got to maintain my living standards, you know... ;) )

Sigh... looks like this is a question that will take me longer than I thought to resolve !!!

Germination

Minnesota reminds me of Kumbhakarna. Its only now that the trees, herbs and shrubs are coming back to life. I love to see the transgression from brown to green. Its like chemelion changing color by the blink of an eye :)

Trees are still naked, stretching their arms to the sun - trying to seep in the warmth and rays. Little shoots are making an effort to break open the bark and come out to see the world. What a beautiful sight!!! I dont think I have seen anything so wonderful in comparison. No, not even my own childrens birth. Thank God, the trees don't get fat when the "give birth" ;)

Aditi-isms

Collection of few hilarious quips from my daughter:

Aditi asked, "Amma, how many days are in a week?"
Amma - 1 week has 7 days
Aditi - How many days for "Next Week"?
---***---

Aditi: Amma, what is a dock?
Amma: Dock is a place where ships rest, just like we come home to rest. Now, tell me where does a bus rest?
Aditi: On its wheels

---***---

Amma: Aditi, please tell 1 to 10
Aditi: (promptly) "1 to 10"

---***---

Aditi: (singing the song from the movie Frozen) - "Let the storm range on"
Anna: Addu, it is not RANGE, it is RAGE, RAGE
Aditi (adamantly): Let the song RANGE ON... (starts singing the song right from the beginning, high enthu and high decibles..
Anna moves his palms to cover his ears and runs out of the room
---***---

I had made puliogarai the other day. My little daughter had forgotten its name. I was shocked when she asked me to server her some, "Pulgaybath" :)

---***---

Existence

Zinda hun is tarah ki gam-e-zindagi nahin
jalta hua diya hun magar roshni nahin!!!

Guilt

A woman was waiting at an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, that the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be. . . grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene. So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.” With each cookie she took, he took one too, when only one was left; she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half, as he ate the other; she snatched it from him and thought… oooh, brother. This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude, why he didn’t even show any gratitude! She had never known when she had been so galled and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, and then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, there was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes. If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.