I have been feeling extremely lonely and this is not a new feeling.. it has been a persisting, nagging one since my childhood.
What happens when parents leave their 1 year old child with the grandparents because they are having another baby? What happens when the child grows up almost not knowing her own family and feels completely alienated?
There are times I have wanted to believe the logical explanation - yes, my mom was a working woman. it was difficult for her to take care of 1 toddler and 1 new born baby while balancing her job and home. Yet, the child in me cannot forget the feeling of isolation
Why then did they have to send me to live with the grandparents again during my most critical "growing" up time? there is no logical explanation to this. But then the impact of this has been vast and deeply impacted me. I am unable to get out of this rut, however i try - and god knows, i have tried - very hard.
Remember the first time my periods came, i needed my mom, who was nowhere with me. i had severe cramps and my grandma asked me to just lie down telling me horrid stories of how local people held public ceremonies to discuss this very "private" matter. i was a child and i was scared.. needed someone to tell me this is natural - nothing to be scared off - where was she?
Remember the time i experienced the first molestation at the hands of a lecher enroute school? i was scared, did not know how to react - i just ran for my life - i never spoke of this to anyone home... wasn't sure if my grandparents would understand... possibly my granny and uncle would blame it on me... where was my mom? i needed her badly to tell me this world wasn't all bad.
These are not seemingly small issues - correct? these are big issues and little girls do need their moms to offer that comfort, those soothing words to say, " I am there and I will protect you." Or simply to say, "be strong, there will be people like that - but we will go through this together"... and yet, i had to face this alone...
Is it any wonder that i feel utterly abandoned today? that i dont feel any connection with her?
Recently when she came for a visit and stayed with me for 2 months, she experienced my silence. she cried and said i had changed and i never talked to her...
But guess what? she had not realized that I had stopped "talking" with her for a long long time... she had not observed..nor had she realized... why blame me now?
I think - what wishes should i send to my mom on mothers day? What shall i thank her for? giving birth to me - hell, i dont even want this life.
