Since my childhood, I have been afraid of my father. I don't know what caused this fear to be so deep rooted in me and yet it has always been there. I remember each time he visited Teerthally, I used to hide behind my grandma.
The fear only exponentially grew as I grew up. Somehow I sensed that he did not "trust" me. Shocking, I know - but it was as if he expected me to do something devastatingly wrong. I never understood this emotion.
In 7th grade, when I accidentally hurt my brother, I remember my mom yelling, "why don't you kill him once for all?". I had only meant to get back the pencil sharpening blade from his hands. I did not intend to hurt him in the process. That was the day I blocked him out of my life and have absolutely no memory of how he grew up, what he did, how he looked, all the way through almost the day he started doing his C.A perhaps. Never talked to him, stayed away from home, did not want to build that relationship with him.
8th grade, my parents sent me away to stay in my grandparents house. I went to yet another all-girls school and was not even allowed to go on 1-day school trips. I remember the sadness and anguish with which I had to "beg" them to send me and how elated I was when they agreed to send me on that 1 trip to chitradurga!!!
Every Saturday, when I returned from my school, my grandfather would take me to my parents house. We used to take a bus from their place to my parents place, stay 2 nights and start back on Monday morning. It was the same routine for 2 years. I felt like I was visiting strangers and hated going there.
By the time I came back to live with them, I was literally a stranger. Although I did well in 10th, I did not get a seat at a college where I wanted to study because they wanted Rs. 5000 donation. my father did not have that much money those days. He insisted that I had to study in another college, which was closer by his restaurant. If he had talked to me about lack of funds, I would have understood and even forgiven him. But he said, "I want you to go to this college so I can keep an eye on you".
I was an innocent and even then I was very angry when he made this statement. it reminded me of that childhood memory again - he was waiting for me to take 1 wrong step - just to prove me unworthy.
SJRC gave him many such opportunities, which I guess he used ruthlessly. I remember the day in 1st year PUC, when a boy had written a nude girl's picture in the classroom lecturn and had labeled it as "Vidya". The entire class was snickering and I could not lift my head and sit in that class. During lunch hour, I went to the hotel and explained the situation to him and requested him to come and speak with the principal. His response was, "is this the time for you to come and talk to me? cant you see this is the busy hour at the hotel? how I can leave this and come to your college?". I remember running out crying. I remember the manager of the hotel asking me what was wrong and upon hearing my story, he took it upon himself to come and speak to my college principal to have the culprit suspended from the college. My father never came.
I remember the day he had shouted at me because few of his hotel staff had seen me going somewhere with a group of boys. he said I was ruining his name and the name of our family. I did not know it was even a mistake to talk to boys. I was not doing anything but talk to them...
I remember asking him for permission to attend a classmate's sister's wedding reception being held in a big hotel on M.G.Road. He had hurled at me in anger, "I know what you are going to do. In the pretext of attending this, you will go to cubbon park with all the boys". my cheeks grow red even today when I think about this and eyes grow moist. What father will say these words to his daughter? what father will suspect his daughter of such nefariousness only because she was spotted talking with boys (and BTW, my group of friends consisted equally of boys and girls, and I mostly never went anywhere with just 1 of them...).
Even as a child, my father never bought me a bicycle. there were times when he would give us 10 paise to borrow a bicycle for 1 hour. but then I never learnt the art of balancing. So, for once, I made this big tantrum and got him to buy me a hero puch. I guess I should have bought a gear-less vehicle - but I was adamant on buying this one. My father was never the one to take any responsibilities towards bringing up his girls. He had one of his colleagues to help me learn to ride this bike. This colleague was notorious and when he sat behind me, his arms started groping my bosom. I was so shocked, I lost my balance and crashed the bike causing both of us to fall. He did not apologize for his behavior and I could not muster courage to slap him. When I told my father what had transpired he said his colleague was a honorable man and would never stoop to do such things and perhaps I was reading too much into it. For the love of God, you all ladies out there, please tell me - how can one "make such things up"? And I was just 18 years old.
Yet, I remember, he always was the first one I called each time I got my college results.
When I got him and mom here to the US, because it was their once in lifetime opportunity, at one point, he said, "who asked you to get us here? we never asked you. It was you who wanted us to come here." Yet, he never would admit that he always felt left behind because his most of his siblings had visited US and he was the only one that hadn't traveled outside India. My mom will never admit that seeing Niagara Falls was a single dream she had harbored for 30 years, which incidentally one of the places we visited.
I have been trying to purge my heart of these sad memories.. I am unable to do so. I am required to respect, love and forgive my father... I am unable to do so. I don't feel any emotion, except sadness for him.
Not even my best of friends know how scared I was to ask my dad's permission to attend Elza's wedding. The wedding was in the evening and I was not at all sure my dad would permit me to attend without hurling another abuse. So, guess what? I never asked him. I just told him I was attending this wedding and never gave him a chance to offer his opinion!!!
My best friends today, don't know that he never wanted me to do my post graduation. I wanted to do it so I took a bank loan to study. he gave me a loan of Rs. 70,000 as the seed money before the bank loan was approved for the rest of masters fees. I had started paying for my study loan immediately after I got my first job. But I still owed my dad his Rs. 70,000. When I was in Australia, I was in between jobs and it had just been 3-4 months since I had gone there - did not have a lot of money on me and needed my savings to sustain until I got another job. And it was at this time, my dad asked me to return the Rs. 70,000 I owed him. I remember when I transferred all my savings to him, I had tears in my eyes and my room mate was consoling me that she would support me until I found my next job - for just this, I am indebted to her.
What relationship do I have with my parents? why are they my parents? and what lesson am I to learn in this life being related to them? I have no answers...
