The feeling of helplessness, loneliness, restlessness refuses to leave me. It is as if I should not be here doing what I am doing. Is this depression? Am I depressed? I don't know.
All I know and want to do is escape. But where? Good question. I don't know. Or perhaps I know. I want to escape into this wide world where no relations matter, where I won't have any friends or nobody knows me. I want to escape to some place where I can start my life all over and build it back bit by bit - leaving it as "me" rather than the person who always guards every thought before expressing, who is careful and follows propriety in every sense.
I had the chance to live such a life and yet, I don't know why I did not take it. Perhaps I am regretting for the lost opportunity. My mind goes back to Robert Frost's "Road Not Taken", the poem that defines my life in every sense.
During my evening walk, my mind was taking in the fall colors and the solitude, which is what I love the most, which is what I want to find in this world. A lifetime of quite and peace, a lifetime of books and nothing else. I took in all this, embraced it with my eyes and open arms - I don't know when I will feel this moment again - when I will feel this oneness with nature again...
My husband says I am a pessimist and always have a tendency to see the negativity or sadness in the situation. Trust me, this is not by choice. I have aspired many things, I have hoped to build many things and I have even tried - only to see them crumble...now, I find no energy to re-dream, re-hope for this to happen again. In my heart, I only see sorrow and a deep loneliness - my soul craves to be alone... how can I be the beacon of happiness?
My situation is driving me mad. I do not want to come to work and do nonsensical work for the sake of earning money - things that I do not enjoy doing, where I am not challenged day in and day out. mundane routine things... but yet, I am caught up in the bindings of family...what will it be to give up everything and live life, just once, the way I want to live?
All I know and want to do is escape. But where? Good question. I don't know. Or perhaps I know. I want to escape into this wide world where no relations matter, where I won't have any friends or nobody knows me. I want to escape to some place where I can start my life all over and build it back bit by bit - leaving it as "me" rather than the person who always guards every thought before expressing, who is careful and follows propriety in every sense.
I had the chance to live such a life and yet, I don't know why I did not take it. Perhaps I am regretting for the lost opportunity. My mind goes back to Robert Frost's "Road Not Taken", the poem that defines my life in every sense.
During my evening walk, my mind was taking in the fall colors and the solitude, which is what I love the most, which is what I want to find in this world. A lifetime of quite and peace, a lifetime of books and nothing else. I took in all this, embraced it with my eyes and open arms - I don't know when I will feel this moment again - when I will feel this oneness with nature again...
My husband says I am a pessimist and always have a tendency to see the negativity or sadness in the situation. Trust me, this is not by choice. I have aspired many things, I have hoped to build many things and I have even tried - only to see them crumble...now, I find no energy to re-dream, re-hope for this to happen again. In my heart, I only see sorrow and a deep loneliness - my soul craves to be alone... how can I be the beacon of happiness?
My situation is driving me mad. I do not want to come to work and do nonsensical work for the sake of earning money - things that I do not enjoy doing, where I am not challenged day in and day out. mundane routine things... but yet, I am caught up in the bindings of family...what will it be to give up everything and live life, just once, the way I want to live?
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